Kids Are Weird (Vintage Hamma)

August 21, 2010 § 3 Comments

I absolutely have the ability to laugh at myself.

Especially my 8 year old self.

Earlier this week, I lovingly pulled out my memory chest. (Read: Swore copiously trying to isolate most beaten-up old Rubbermaid bin from Jenga-like tower of similar bins.) I’d been inspired to poke through my keepsakes after my mother-in-law had unearthed a bunch of Husband’s childhood memorabilia.

I came to a few conclusions.

Like, I was a really weird kid.

Funny, but WEIRD.

Case in point? Read on.

When I was eight years old, my best friend got a computer. I was insanely jealous. I was a prolific writer and would have killed for a typewriter, let alone a COMPUTER. (Granted, at this time I had only the foggiest idea of what a computer actually was. I remember thinking it was just a typewriter with a REALLY big screen. And that was AWESOME.)

Within days, we were preparing masterpieces, composed around what we considered to be an awe-inspiring clip art collection.

I present to you, our opus.

 THE NATIONAL BLABBERMOUTH.

Cute, right?  

Until I started reading what our special brand of journalistic dynamite entailed.

1. BESTIALITY IS A TOP STORY.

  

  “His father was only my pet!” CLAIMS girl ?!? 

SHOCKING INTERVIEW WITH MONKEY’S FATHER INSIDE?!?

I am disturbed.

2.  ELVIS LIVES.

We’re wise to electronic surveillance.  Also, we know that “thank you, thank you very much” is a recognizable Elvis quote, even though we are eight-year old Canadians, it is no longer Elvis’ hey-day (it is 1989), and our parents are not Elvis fans.

3.  DINOSAURS ARE AWESOME.

“Baby dinosaur lets out huge roar while spitting out sand!”  

Dinosaurs are so totally bad-ass.

4.  NINE-YEAR OLDS MAY UNDERSTAND CONSPIRACY THEORIES BEFORE THEY “GET” WHAT DYING REALLY IS.

No matter who killed JFK, the chances of him “waking” from the dead are pretty slim.  Unless it was a vampire.

5.  WE WERE SUCKERS FOR A GOOD JINGLE.

I’m fairly certain the inspiration was the 1988 McDonalds ad campaign featuring Mac Tonight.

The cheese, however, was all ours.

6.  WE WERE MORBID.

Remember:  we chose the clip art FIRST, then wrote the accompanying headlines.  I guess this was our go-to story for a picture of a big truck.

7.  EVERYTHING’S BIGGER IN TEXAS.

Um, I’m actually proud of this one.  Twenty years later, I still think it’s funny.

8.  SEE # 6

“Her condition is too depressing for photos.”  What eight-year-olds talk like this?!?

9.  WE MAY HAVE BEEN CREATIVE PROBLEM SOLVERS.

Being the older sister of a baby brother, I hope this wasn’t something I’d attempted.

10.  WE WERE KINDA PRICELESS.

I can only imagine what our poor parents thought.

We were probably pretty fun though.

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§ 3 Responses to Kids Are Weird (Vintage Hamma)

  • Gammahamma says:

    “Funny but weird” – I think that sums it up but emphasis on ‘funny’!

  • karmavore says:

    My friend Terry and I spent hours every week typing and pasting together our weekly newspaper (more like a letter) from Dear Abby to the horoscope. We LOVED it! Looks like yours was a little more National Inquiresque!

  • brohamma says:

    Not gonna lie, i totally remember you and jaime writing that stuff. It subsequently triggered my own regressed childhood memories of making ” funny tapes” and videos. If you could ever get a hold of those…Pure gold. ( Cue Jaime, the judge Ito dancer.)

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